


crispy like red lobster up in this bitch

by cherimayo



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Established Relationship, Friends With Benefits, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Just bros being bros, M/M, Massage, Post-Beach, Sunburn, but then again what else is new, davekat - Freeform, idk what they are here exactly but theres lots of sexually charged banter, rated for language and innuendo etc etc, typical fare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:02:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26451553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherimayo/pseuds/cherimayo
Summary: Dave is a dumbass and must face the consequences. Sunburn is no joke.Prompt:you could be sad about your otp but consider: the two of them going down to the beach and one getting sunburned really badly so the other slathers them with aloe gel when they get home
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 4
Kudos: 50





	crispy like red lobster up in this bitch

**Author's Note:**

> hi. hello. i was ~~unfortunately~~ dragged full force back into h*mestuck hell thanks to the davekat in last month's update!! it brought genuine joy to the withered husk of my being, and made me remember this old thing i wrote when i first got into homestuck in 2015- i even hacked into one of my old google accts to find it. the things i do to evangelize in the name of davekat supremacy.......  
> anyway, apologies for any cringeworthiness cause i didnt edit this at all. hope u enjoy our boys being dorks as always!

“David For The Love of All Things Good and Holy Strider, you absolute fucking _moron_.”

The absolute fucking moron in question turned around at the sound of the grouchy troll’s relatively typical greeting. “And hello to you too, candy corn horns, light of my life, he of the plushest of asses,” he quipped, giving his eyebrows a few suggestive pumps above the rims of his shades. Karkat scowled- but the type of scowl where he was really biting back a smile, like physically digging his teeth into his lip to keep a massive shit-eating grin from spreading across his face- and slammed the door behind him.

(Or, at least, that’s the kind of smirk Dave hoped it was. He was getting a lot better at reading Karkat, these days, but he could never be a hundred percent sure.)

“Okay, first of all- that looks fucking ridiculous. Stop it- I mean it! Daa _ave_ ,” Karkat growled, his voice rising in warning. “It looks like your eyebrows are playing goddamn wriggler peek-a-boo with your inane hipster doucheshit goggles, so knock it off, it’s making me _acutely_ uncomfortable.

“Second,” he continued, taking a large step closer so he was now in range to jab at the other teen with an accusing finger, “you should really have a look in the mirror and take a brief moment of your oh-so-precious time to contemplate. Not only the literal travesty that is your ridiculous human fragility, mind you, but also your utter and complete lack of common fucking _sense_.”

Dave started to protest and wanted to ignore the troll's suggestion out of habit, but a weird feeling had begun to prickle at the back of his neck, so he shuffled over towards the full-length mirror propped in the corner anyway. “I was gonna say something along the lines of 'pot and kettle,' since your own so-called common fucking sense obviously escapes you on the reg-” He stopped abruptly, stepping closer to the mirror and pushing his shades up onto his forehead in disbelief.

“...Oh, shit.”

He could faintly hear Karkat ranting behind him, but ignored it in favor of examining his thoroughly scorched body. He hadn’t had time to put on a change of clothes or shower after returning from the beach, and hadn’t happened to catch a glimpse of himself yet- but now that he looked properly, the degree of sunburn he had received was honestly shocking. Even with his shades on, the difference from his usual skin tone was glaringly noticeable, and he shuddered. This was gonna hurt like a _bitch_ later.

Out of the corner of the mirror, he saw Karkat turn to leave the room, and whirled around in desperation. “Karkaaat, nooo,” he pleaded, reaching after his friend and clutching his chest dramatically (being careful not to let his nails drag against the skin that was already starting to feel just a bit tender). “You’re not gonna leave me here like this, are you? All alone? What if I die of dehydration because all my skin peels off like some kind of attack on titan shit and I can't move from this spot? What if my delicate human homeostatic mechanisms can't take the heat and I spontaneously combust? What if-”

“Didn’t you hear me, you obtuse bulgelicker? I already told you I’m going to go find some of that goopy green aloe shit for your pathetic heat-blistered flesh layers, so keep your panties on,” Karkat barked, slamming the door behind him yet again.

He returned to find Dave still gingerly examining himself in the mirror. He tossed the tube of aloe gel to Dave, who caught it, but winced at the sudden movement.

“You pathetic wriggler, you hadn’t even noticed it until two minutes ago,” Karkat said with a snort. He pulled up a nearby chair and amusedly watched the lobster-red teenager turn around in front of his reflection, still assessing the damage before gently slicking the gel over the most severe areas. He was also… absolutely _not_ watching the way Dave’s muscles moved as he twisted around, and as he stretched to rub his limber, scarred hands all over his exasperatingly toned body, and- Hell to the fucking nope, why would that even be a thing? It wasn’t a thing.

Suddenly, Dave tossed the tube back to Karkat, who made a surprised noise in his throat as he jolted out of his chair to snag it before it hit the floor. 

“Not to interrupt whatever weird masturbatory trance you've descended into, broseph,” Dave drawled, turning back around to face the troll, “But- and I really hate to break this to you- imma need someone to get my back for me. I am more athletic than your average joe, but even I don't have the wingspan to reach _everything_." His voice dropped just a bit, and Karkat _hated_ that he even _noticed_ something that subtle, goddammit. "That shouldn’t be a problem, right? Since, you know, I've clearly got you so whipped that you already went and got this for me, and all."

“In your pathetic prepubescent wet dreams.”

“Come onnn, all you gotta do is jump right in, get your hands dirty and slather this shit right on. Maybe gently caress my bulging delts as your dainty digits skim my flushed skin. You know, with some nice, lingering, unambiguously platonic touches, and- mother _FUCKER_ _!”_ he cut himself off with a yelp as the troll slapped a generous handful of icy cold gel square in the middle of his chest.

“Turn around already, fucknut.” Karkat moved to stand behind Dave, squeezing more of the gel into his palms and rolling his eyes. “Seriously, trolls don't even _get_ sunburnt, but even _we_ know about how stupidly delicate your ridiculous human meatsacks are. Why the hell didn’t you just wear your sunblock like Harley told you to?”

“‘Cause I’m a bad bitch,” Dave deadpanned, trying not to shudder as Karkat slicked the gel over his skin, remaining wary of the extra-sensitive areas on his shoulders and the back of his neck. Karkat’s hands- normally several degrees higher than the average human body temperature, and rough and calloused to the touch- felt, surprisingly, cool and soothing to his inflamed flesh. He would almost describe it as... gentle? He made an effort to withhold his usual rapid-fire snarky commentary, if only so he could concentrate on trying not to squirm as short, stocky fingers worked the aloe into his skin in small circles. Right. Yeah. That was the only reason.

Dave was startled back to reality with a jolt as he received a stubborn poke right between the shoulder blades. The gesture was brash, but Karkat's voice was low. “There, all done. Unless you want a full-body massage and spa day too, your highness.”

“Nah, thanks for the offer, but this bad bitch can only take so much pampering from such a generous host before I'd straight-up implode,” Dave replied, turning around to offer Karkat a small smile and a genuinely unironic fist bump. "Thanks, dude, I 'ppreciate it."

Karkat simply looked at him for a moment, raised an eyebrow, and burst out laughing.

“Jesus christ, Dave, your _face_ ,” he cackled, reaching out to grab the sunglasses off the other's head and setting them aside. “That’s easily the worst fucking tan line I have _ever_ seen. I have to say it's almost impressive.”

Dave was well aware that he looked completely ridiculous, like some kinda fucked-up lovechild of a red panda and a raccoon, with pale white circles around his eyes standing out from a glowing red face. He just snickered, wiggling his eyebrows at Karkat again. “Only 'almost' impressive, huh? Sorry, but I can't accept that. What do you say to taking a closer look?” His hands found Karkat's elbows as he took a step to close the (already short) distance between them.

“This went from ‘no homo’ to ‘all the homo’ pretty damn quick,” Karkat mumbled as Dave leaned down to press their foreheads together. Dave laughed again.

“Those two magical words never even left my mouth- I'm hurt that you'd even think the 'no homo' was implied, Karkitty. I’d never bro-zone you.”

Karkat gritted his teeth against the impending grin, but couldn’t contain it this time, sighing contentedly as the two bumped noses and Dave’s orange-popsicle breath washed over his face. (Because apparently apple juice popsicles aren't a thing.)

“Whoa, shit, Karkat- what’re you planning on doing with those hands? I wasn’t aware of any sunburn on my ass, thank you very much.”

“Dave, shut the fuck up and take your pants off.”


End file.
